Treat All Emotions As If They Were Your Own Children

How To Develop Self Compassion

"When happiness comes embrace it because suffering is everyday" - Ratu Pandji Pandita

By personifying your emotions, by putting a child's face to your jealousy for example, you will be able to give compassion to yourself ...

Sometimes we are ambushed by our emotions from the moment we wake up, and these feelings of irritability, confusion or listlessness dog us throughout the day. These seem to be the only times when we really pay attention to ourselves, when our emotions are painful and we try to avoid or control them.

As meditation practitioners, when our emotions go awry, it's sometimes difficult to simply let our feelings be, to feel the pain of our emotions and not be mentally affected by them. We search our brains for reasons for our distress because we think that there must be some explanation for these unpleasant feelings we are experiencing.

Sometimes there is. More often than not it's simply the way we feel at that precise moment in time. To search for answers with our intellect is pointless since the dance and interplay of our emotions is without logic - especially when they arise in our loving relationships.

If we are not mindful in our practice and relax to how we feel, we can fool ourselves into believing that there must be something terribly wrong in our lives. We assume it's normal to feel "happy" all the time, and that it's abnormal to feel angry, upset or lonely without good reason. Here lies the seed of our suffering, the root of our ignorance.

Our thinking minds are conditioned to grasp at what it perceives as pleasant and reject states of being it deems unpleasant. This judgement of what is good and bad, right and wrong is at the heart of our dissatisfaction. We go through this process of judgement with our emotions

The tantric path teaches practitioners to view our emotions as simply energy and to use them as part of our practice. 

Have you ever noticed that anger and passion feel exactly the same in your body? In fact physiologically both these emotions affect the body in the same way - our pupils dilate, our hearts start pounding, our muscles fill with blood and ready for action. 

Similarly sadness and sensitivity to beauty are two sides of the coin. The first time I held my niece in my arms and looked at her, my heart felt like breaking at the beauty of her sweet face. It felt exactly like sadness - but I was happy!

All our emotions are exactly the same in that they have a positive and negative aspect depending on our view.

Suffering arises when we judge our emotions. We may even be doing ourselves a great disservice by never fully experiencing the positive aspects of these wonderful energies if we habitually suppress them. If we judge our anger, for example, the danger to ourselves is we may end up suppressing our passion because anger feels exactly the same in our body as passion. If we do it long enough, we begin to believe that we lack a passionate zest for life!

How do we stop judging our emotions? 

The first step is to understand that emotions are neither good nor bad, and it's our mind that judges them so. In New Age parlance, some call this our Inner Critic, who devotes its time trying to maintain an idealised view of who we are. Depending on our perception of ourselves it tends to accept some emotions and reject others to fit in with this view. 

One of the methods to stop judging your emotions and accepting all of them is to see them as your own children. By personifying your emotions by putting a child's face to your fear for example, you will be able to give love and compassion to yourself. 

In each one us is a sad child, an angry child, a lonely child and so on. If we truly begin to see our emotions as our own children we would never reject any of them but treat them all equally with loving kindness. After a while we begin to understand and learn to accept them, no longer trying to avoid nor judge them. We begin to develop a relationship with them  and in so doing, because we understand their pain, are able to develop compassion towards others experiencing the same emotions. It's a very powerful practice.

The Same Tea - Different Tea Pots

“Buddhism is distinguished by four characteristics, or ‘seals. If all these four seals are found in a path or a philosophy, it can be considered the path of the Buddha.”

— Dzongsar Khyentse Rinpoche

“Every authentic teaching of the Buddha must bear three Dharma Seals: impermanence, non-self, and nirvana.”

— Thich Nhat Hanh

What is the essence of Buddhism that all paths and schools agree upon?

Buddhist study can be a perplexing process for novice practitioners confronted with multiple schools of thought sometimes presenting markedly different views on the Buddha's teachings. The quotes above, from renowned Vietnamese Zen master, Thich Nhat Hahn, and Tibetan  Mahayana Lama, Dzongsar Khyentse Rinpoche, illustrates just one example of two ostensibly different views of the same subject. What did the Buddha teach exactly? Which school of thought is right? What are the differences and similarities of the main paths of Buddhism? What do these strange sounding words mean?

It quickly becomes apparent that all the Buddhist schools vary on the exact nature of the path to liberation, the canonical status of the various teachings & scriptures and even on the status of the Buddha himself. Was he a man, a deity, a symbol of the enlightened state, or all of the above? What is the essence of Buddhism that all paths and schools agree upon?

This is the overarching question I have often asked myself when I've studied with various Buddhist masters and teachers from different cultures and traditions. The Four Noble Truths is the obvious choice, but with the dizzying array of sutras and tantras also available, one can get lost in the minutiae of philosophical discourses and commentaries, let alone when opinions of other Buddhist practitioners are thrown into the mix.

In my last trip to Thailand, for example, it soon became clear that some of the Thai laypeople I encountered possessed a cultural view of 'Buddhism' - they performed "Buddhist" rituals but didn't know what they for, or had little knowledge of what the Buddha actually taught. It highlighted how cultural traditions have influenced the interpretation of the teachings and why there appear to be so many differences in approach and practice of Buddha Dharma.

I found some of the answers in Dzongsar Khyentse Rinpoche’s book, What Makes You Not a Buddhist. It presents a helpful analogy of the Buddha’s teaching of the Four Seals being like the same tea poured into different tea cups, each representing the different schools and traditions of Buddhism. Each cup is imbued with the beauty and individuality of each culture where it took root and flourished. The unique designs of each cup explain the differences in approach and presentation of the teachings - including whether the Dharma seals number three or four!

There were "Three Turnings of the Wheel of Dharma", (here again, some schools say 'four') which mark three significant historical events when new developments in Buddhist thought emerged in India. “Turning the Wheel” is a metaphor for the new teachings being expounded and set in motion. All three "turnings" are said to have been attributed to the historical Buddha, which is the primary source of controversy. For example, the second and third turnings (the establishment of Mahayana and Vajrayana) were not publicly known until centuries after the passing of Sakyamuni Buddha, the historical Buddha. There is some conjecture that these teachings were given to specific students to be revealed later after a prescribed time. The truth is no one really knows and an element of faith is required in practicing a path.

One thing I know is the Buddha stated that one's spiritual journey is a personal one. You can't compare a diamond to pearl. Each is beautiful in its own right. Likewise, people are individuals with different temperaments and wisdom based on their experiences. The important thing is to choose a path that resonates with you and stick to it -at least until you have mastered it sufficiently to decide whether or not it is suitable for you before embarking on another one. Good musicians specialise and master one instrument first. This process provides a sound foundation for any others they choose to adopt thereafter. 

Disclaimer: I am not a Buddhist scholar but a meditation practitioner. I designed this infographic to consolidate my understanding of the Buddha's teachings and to offer it to others for their own edification. It's based on what I've researched or understood from studies under various teachers and lamas throughout my life. All credit goes to them for anything you find useful. If I've made any glaring mistakes in the content, please feel free to comment below.

Boredom Is Good

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If you’re reading this, you’re probably bored so I’ll keep it short. The spiritual view of boredom is it’s good when it enters your life. Boredom is a transitional state, a harbinger of the next stage of your personal growth. If you understand its wisdom, you can use it to fuel self-reflection or spark your creativity.

We all experience boredom. Whilst unpleasant, it's only a real problem when it becomes chronic and leads to destructive behaviour, like substance abuse, unnecessary risk taking or when protracted feelings of apathy causes disconnection with family and friends.

There’s plenty of science devoted to studying boredom. If you’re still bored by the end of reading this post, the links below encapsulate a few of the findings and some of the scientific theories on boredom.

All these theories are great, but if you’re practical like me, I just want to know how to make it go away. What am I supposed to do when I’m bored?

The answer from the ancient mystics is nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Just relax and experience it.

What? That doesn’t sound right. The reason I’m bored is precisely because nothing is happening! I want more excitement in my life, to feel alive again. Everything is so dull and tedious, and you want me to continue to do nothing? It doesn’t make sense.

The suffering of boredom arises because you don’t understand the truth of impermanence, that everything in the universe changes and nothing in your life is permanent. Your pain comes from rejecting this seemingly “pessimistic” Buddhist view. But if you reflect on it, it's clearly true. What is born will die. Every cell in your body, every romantic relationship you develop, all those feelings of joy you experience is in a constant state of flux and changes. This ignorance of the universal law of impermanence, combined with our clinging attachment to pleasure and aversion to unpleasantness, is at the root of all our suffering.

Understanding the wisdom of impermanence is a powerful antidote to most of our everyday problems. The positive aspect of impermanence also means that all the crap stuff in your life will eventually change and evolve. The more we accept this truth, the easier it is to let go of those pesky negative emotions and feelings. If you simply relax and embrace your boredom, it too will change naturally. 

Still not convinced? I have a question for you. When you say that nothing is happening, or you’re doing nothing, are you really doing nothing? Or are you thinking you should be doing something fun or meaningful. Are you feeling frustrated, angry, indifferent or worried about your boredom?

All these examples are you doing something! You may appear to be doing nothing in particular, but you are in fact unconsciously avoiding the unpleasant feelings of your boredom by day dreaming or filling your mind with more ‘interesting’ thoughts. It doesn’t work and has been proven by scientific studies which 'suggest that the more your mind wanders, the more bored you feel.’

Antidotes to Boredom

There are many ways to address short periods of boredom. Do a Google search if you’re bored. The two most effective ways to completely eradicate boredom in your life is the way of the mystic, and the way of the artist.

The way of the artist is to develop your creative passion. The activity you choose is up to you. It's simply a medium to express your individuality. Like a star on the horizon, your creativity is your internal guide and bedrock for your happiness. It provides a sense of direction for your life's journey. The way of the artist doesn't mean that you give up your day job or abandon your family like Gaugain did to paint in Tahiti. It simply means that your livelihood is placed in its proper perspective, to generate enough cash to follow your true passion.

When you work it's to pay bills and provide for your family. In many ways work is for others and not really for you. That paycheque you receive monthly is already spoken for by the tax man, the electricity guy and all the other people you need to pay just to live. If you're frugal or make a lot of cash, you may save a little for yourself or splurge on yet another possession or holiday. The initial satisfaction you experience soon fades as the hamster wheel of working continues spinning. We never completely escape the oppressive feeling that we have become a slave to our possessions and lifestyle. What a miserable existence.

“Creativity takes courage.”

— Henri Matisse

The artists' mind set is different. I know many artists and musicians who have endured menial jobs to pay the bills but are happy in the knowledge they now have the resources to invest in their creativity, to buy some new brushes for that canvas they're dying to paint. They don't identify themselves with their work, but with their creative passion.

Developing yourself through art is a life long journey of personal discovery and self expression. It provides meaning and purpose for your life. The only trap to avoid in developing your creative passion is to compare yourself to others. When ambition enters the art making process, you will have turned it into just another job, or become creatively blocked from actively seeking approval from others. Very few of the most innovative artists in history were ever financially "successful" in their time. Artists who became successful were rarely motivated by money but focused on the joy of creating.

The important thing to understand is your creativity carries the seed of your happiness. If you continue to nurture it throughout your life it becomes an inspiration for living. You won't need to give up your day job nor your personal commitments. It will be a something just for you - a productive form of meditation. You will never be bored.

In the Dalai Lama’s book, The Art of Happiness, he makes the point that happiness is essential on the spiritual path. If more people are happy in the world, there will be more peace, tolerance and generosity. In economic terms happy people are also more productive.

All highly creative people use the world and their experiences as a source of inspiration. Creative people know that inspiration can’t be forced but strikes suddenly and unexpectedly. When they are blocked creatively, they intuitively do something else, often immersing themselves in simple activities. This ability to let go of the task at hand, to chop and change, is often judged in our highly automated and structured world. But it’s this very ability to adapt that will become increasingly important in the future workplace as artificial intelligence takes over all the logical, analytical and repetitive jobs.

The way of the mystic is a deeper more fulfilling path. The canvas is your whole life. The medium is meditation, and your guiding star is the Dharma. Dharma is the art of living with purpose. The cool thing is you can do both. Many of the greatest spiritual teachers also engaged in artistic expression so it doesn’t mean that you need to choose one path over the other. The objective of life is to be happy.

Scientific studies on boredom:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/ulterior-motives/201209/what-is-boredom

https://www.inverse.com/article/5889-what-is-boredom-and-where-does-it-come-from